Recently, one of my clients was telling me a story about a gig she booked and how she ended up going through a long, complicated, stressful process just to cancel the show. She said she really wants to play shows but she "self-sabotages" them and doesn't know why! This "self-sabotage" often leads to cycles of intense negative self-talk, questioning why she does this and what’s wrong with her, and then she reprimands herself as if that degradation would kick her rear in gear to "do better next time"... This artist (we'll call her Molly for the sake of privacy) is one of many clients who struggle with this idea of "self-sabotage".
I could see how frustrating this was to her and how seriously she wanted to change the behavior, so I began the dialogue. It went something like this...
"What would happen if you went through with the gig instead of canceling it?" Molly replied, "Well I could mess up or not sing well, and then people would talk, and what if someone from a publishing company or label was in the audience and they wrote me off because of that mistake? That'd be horrible". I said, "so when you're afraid of something horrible happening, what do you usually do?", "I try to not let that thing happen, I try to protect myself", she said. To which I replied "and what are you protecting yourself from in this situation?". "I'm protecting myself from the embarrassment I anticipate feeling if that scenario were to play out". I then asked, "so are you sabotaging yourself or are you protecting yourself?". Molly's eyes widened as she took a deep breath, gave a soft smile, and nodded her head... "I'm protecting myself."
And that's why we engage in behaviors that we label "self-sabotage". We don't consciously set out to derail our own success, nor do we keep ourselves from moving out of our comfort zones because we're lazy losers who have no determination. Just like Molly - most of us will only derail our own success or keep ourselves in our comfort zone when we've associated the pursuit or outcome with some form of pain. Most of us will go to great lengths to protect ourselves from pain - far greater lengths than we will go to gain pleasure - even if that means not pursuing the exact thing we truly want to.
Reflection Questions: If you’ve noticed some “sabotage-like” behavior in your life, ask: “Am I afraid of something? If so, what?" or "What am I protecting myself from?"
“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” - Nelson Mandela