Priority

Priority: A thing that is regarded as more important than another; first concern

Before the 1940s, the english language only knew the word, "priority", to be singular. It's estimated that only  after this decade did we begin to use the word in plural form. But how can multiple things be the "first concern"?

During December I was challenged to recognize a true priority. The things I thought were of the utmost importance quickly dissented to the bottom of my list when a family member became ill and required hospitalization. Before that night, my priority was "to be ready for Christmas": have all my presents wrapped and placed under the tree, bake the gluten-free brownies and cinnamon rolls, and make sure I did some work so that I could enjoy the holidays with no stress and no residual tasks hanging over my head. I roll my eyes at the aforementioned now because, in hindsight, none of that really mattered! And the thought of that being my way of getting “ready for Christmas” is slightly embarrassing and completely missing the meaning of the holiday.

It's amazing how quickly the "most important" things become the "most insignificant" things when you're reminded of what actually matters.

Through the weeks we were taking care of our recovering relative, the presents remained wrapped under the tree; the brownies and cinnamon rolls were still separate ingredients of flour, sugar, and butter, with a few poured into a bowl, covered and thrown into the pantry, waiting to be mixed; and all the work tasks still undone. Stress, hope, and gratitude took turns filling up my thoughts and emotions. And none of it mattered. It wasn't until almost a week after Christmas that the presents were finally unwrapped and pastries baked, yet the work-to-do list remained unchecked… Ok, so what’s with this story and why am I telling you this?

Because I think it's important that, every once in a while, we take a step back to evaluate what our real priority is. To zoom out on the things that cause us to stress and ask ourselves, "Are these things worth being my 'first concern' or is there something else that trumps all of these?" My guess is that more likely than not, the answer is "yes'. And like in my situation, most of us only take this step back when we're forced to, but I'd encourage you to be proactive so that you're not waiting for that proverbial slap in the face to show you what really matters and where your attention would be most beneficially be placed.

*Keep the first thing first, and all the other "priorities" will fall into place with more ease.*

Questions for reflection: Do I have priorities? If so, what is number 1? And is that number 1 priority where I spend the most time, energy, and headspace? Or, is something else creeping into that top spot without me noticing - creating unnecessary stress, anxiety, or worry?

How specifically can I begin to prioritize what matters most to me?

Appreciation

Appreciation: Recognition and enjoyment of the good qualities of someone or something; gratitude

The act of appreciating takes the concept of gratitude up a few notches. The week before Thanksgiving, I asked my students, "Who or what do you want to appreciate this week?" They responded with "the food that I'm going to eat that is so easily accessible to me and will nourish my body; the time that I will get to spend with my siblings who I don't get to connect with often; my parents and their support of me; the opportunity to grow and live independently; the chance to live in LA for a semester and try it out before moving...."

In asking this question, the mind is more apt to seek ways to show that appreciation, and the gratitude, in turn, becomes even more elevated. To think about what we're grateful for is beautiful and wonderful, to actively appreciate what we're grateful for is not only a way to remind ourselves of the blessings we might take for granted, but to value, honor, steward, and respect them even more.

This month, I reignited my gratitude practice of listing out 10 things I'm grateful for every morning and taking a few moments to appreciate them. It's done wonders for the level of peace I feel daily, my connection with God, and has influenced my daily thought processes and actions tremendously.

When this gratitude exercise becomes a routine, the brain's reticular activating system begins to notice more things to be grateful for - more frequently and subconsciously. In other words - it can train our minds to easily 'recognize and enjoy the good qualities' in our lives without having to deliberately be reminded of them. This practice has been used for centuries and has been shown to decrease anxiety and depression, reduce pain, break toxic emotional cycles, manage/regulate stress, increase intrinsic motivation, magnify faith and spiritual health, and enhance overall quality of life.

There's always something to be grateful for and someone to appreciate for it. There's always something to appreciate and someone to be grateful for.

Question for reflection: Who or what do you want to appreciate this week?

Calibration

Calibration: The action of carefully assessing

About 95% of our brain's daily activities are habitual and non-conscious. Which means only ~5% of our daily activities are determined by the conscious mind. So basically, we're mostly running on auto-pilot.

It may have looked like I forgot to post in a while, but I was actually just (re)calibrating. Every once in a while, it's important to (re)assess the different areas of our lives to make sure that our behaviors, thought patterns, goals, relationships, etc. are in alignment with an objective truth, with our values and what we're ultimately seeking. Especially, when our brains have been wired and our minds programmed to run on auto-pilot. When we reassess, it helps us to become conscious of what programs are working for us and which ones are slyly working against us. Sometimes you'll find that a particular habit is actually moving you further away from what you want or that a set of thoughts associated with one area of your life needs to be copied and pasted into another area to produce similar results. Maybe you'll find that you've begun to believe something that is objectively false, or that the one area of your life you've given a lot of attention to has yielded some great benefits, but now it's time to broaden or shift your focus toward something else.

Whatever you end up finding is fantastic information! That information is just telling you, "you are here." It's neither positive nor negative, it's simply information. Now, what you do with that information is the key to arriving at that place you want to be. Do you dwell on it and beat yourself up? Maybe you have a "chat" with yourself which sounds much more like a berating than a conversation. Do you succumb to the idea that this is "who you are" and you can't do anything about it? Do you compare it to other people and get down on yourself for not measuring up and not being on "their level"? Do you compare it to who you want to become or where you want to be and make simple shifts to get you back on track? Do you pray about it and ask God to help you in the areas that you fall short? Do you blame people around you or your upbringing for making you "this way"? Do you look at the goal and decide that it's not the reality that needs to change, it's the expectation - or visa versa? 

I'll venture to say most of us have done almost all of the above, at some point or another. But what we repeatedly do with this information is the key to both the journey and the destination.

Question for self-reflection: When was the last time you calibrated your life?

Rejuvenation

During the month of January, I noticed that many of the things I was doing were resulting in rejuvenation: of various relationships, of my health (physical, mental, spiritual), of my career, of my perceptions, and of my life as a whole. I took on challenges, was quickly humbled, focused on leading with love and affability (I think 7 years in LA was slowly beginning to put a slight damper on my authentic affability), and invested my time and money into bringing greater vitality and healing to my brain and body.

Why? Because I've learned a few things in the past decade or so: the importance of meaningful relationships and I had started to let some of them fade away last year; that health is more than just the absence of illness and I don't want to settle for anything less than vitality/energy/mobility/strength/optimization; and that when I prioritize my relationship with God, I feel the most fortified, at peace, and full which allows me to love, serve, and be my absolute best for my clients and the people around me.

So, my charge to you is to choose 1 area of your life that could benefit from intentional rejuvenation - and go for it!

Question for reflection: What is that 1 area of my life and what's 1 small step I can take today to begin rejuvenating that specific area of my life?

Identify Your Feelings, Don't Identify As Them.

Recognizing our emotions, thoughts, and patterns of behavior is an important tool to optimize mental and emotional wellbeing. Many people find that identifying an emotion in the moment can be helpful to allow the mind and body to either move through that state or to savor it. It can also enhance self-awareness, leading to better mind management and improved wellbeing.

In today's social media-led self-help movement, reciting "positive affirmations" has become a popular practice (my thoughts on that at a later time). One of the main beliefs of this practice is that if you repeatedly declare something about yourself, that declaration will soon come true. (Science behind that to also come at a later time)

Another practice that has become increasingly popular is identifying ourselves with our feelings and emotions. "I'm an anxious person" is a phrase I often hear from clients and peers alike. When did we decide that how we feel is who we are? When we start to believe that we are our emotions, it becomes a slippery slope, dampening: our own humanity, range of emotions, and ability to control them.

If your best friend was under a lot of stress one day and she acted in a way that was considered "unkind" but later apologized, would you label her an "unkind" person? What if she had repeated thoughts that she's "worthless" and subsequently felt that she was worthless? Would you agree with her and affirm that she is "worthless"?

Why then, do we identify with our feelings, actions, and thoughts? Are they really who we are? Or are they fleeting states that come and go from moment to moment, hour to hour, and day to day? If they're fleeting: identify them as such, don't identify as them.

When we repeatedly declare, think, or say something about ourselves, they become ‘affirmations’ of what we will (or already do) experience. If: angry, anxious, worthless, unkind, ugly, incompetent, etc are emotions that you feel or thoughts that you think but, are not who you are or who you want to be: identify them, don't identify with them.

Question for reflection: Which emotions or feelings do I commonly identify myself with? Who and what am I really?

Why the Heck do I Self-Sabotage?

Recently, one of my clients was telling me a story about a gig she booked and how she ended up going through a long, complicated, stressful process just to cancel the show. She said she really wants to play shows but she "self-sabotages" them and doesn't know why! This "self-sabotage" often leads to cycles of intense negative self-talk, questioning why she does this and what’s wrong with her, and then she reprimands herself as if that degradation would kick her rear in gear to "do better next time"... This artist (we'll call her Molly for the sake of privacy) is one of many clients who struggle with this idea of  "self-sabotage".

I could see how frustrating this was to her and how seriously she wanted to change the behavior, so I began the dialogue. It went something like this...

"What would happen if you went through with the gig instead of canceling it?" Molly replied, "Well I could mess up or not sing well, and then people would talk, and what if someone from a publishing company or label was in the audience and they wrote me off because of that mistake? That'd be horrible".  I said, "so when you're afraid of something horrible happening, what do you usually do?", "I try to not let that thing happen, I try to protect myself", she said. To which I replied "and what are you protecting yourself from in this situation?". "I'm protecting myself from the embarrassment I anticipate feeling if that scenario were to play out". I then asked, "so are you sabotaging yourself or are you protecting yourself?". Molly's eyes widened as she took a deep breath, gave a soft smile, and nodded her head... "I'm protecting myself."

And that's why we engage in behaviors that we label "self-sabotage". We don't consciously set out to derail our own success, nor do we keep ourselves from moving out of our comfort zones because we're lazy losers who have no determination. Just like Molly - most of us will only derail our own success or keep ourselves in our comfort zone when we've associated the pursuit or outcome with some form of pain. Most of us will go to great lengths to protect ourselves from pain - far greater lengths than we will go to gain pleasure - even if that means not pursuing the exact thing we truly want to.

Reflection Questions: If you’ve noticed some “sabotage-like” behavior in your life, ask: “Am I afraid of something? If so, what?" or "What am I protecting myself from?"

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” - Nelson Mandela

How I Honored Myself Last Month

If you're curious as to why I didn't put out any blog or social media content in support of Mental Health Awareness Month, keep reading... If you’re not curious, well, maybe keep reading anyway…

As April came to an end, I was reminded that May is Mental Health Awareness Month and I began thinking "people will probably expect me to promote and comment on this topic. I should probably post or write about it…" Although I do advocate for (mental) health and believe very strongly in its importance, before I could even begin thinking about what I'd write or post, I felt intense incongruence and decided against it. My writing would've been fueled by "shoulds" and calculation rather than by "wants" and sincere care. I made this decision because choosing anything else would've been disingenuous - and I'm not about that life. 🙂

I know I'm not the only one who has experienced this feeling. How many of you, over the past year or so have felt that you "should(n't)" comment, promote, or post on any particular topic? How many of you did(n't) it anyway, even when it felt incongruent?

This month, I decided to honor myself and my own mental health by making that one, tiny decision to not post something out of perceived obligation. You might be thinking, "that sounds a little dramatic. Steph, how did you 'honor' your mental health by doing that?". I know it might sound silly, but this is important -- because as humans, we sometimes find that in a split-second decision, we've undermined or compromised our own beliefs and values - which can then turn into a repeated pattern where we seek the approval or validation of others rather than honoring our true selves.

So, this May turned into My Mental Health Month where I became even more aware and acquainted with myself, thus enhancing my own mental health.

Here's how I did it...

1. Anytime I felt resistance or hesitation, I questioned why and what I was really resisting or afraid of

2. I moved my body 23/31 days with intention and purpose

3. I nourished my mind and body with healthy foods, supplements, various reads, and learning

4. I explored nature instead of social media

5. I purposefully practiced being present and thankful for the moment

6. I realized boundaries and limitations, and pushed a little further than was comfortable to promote growth when needed

7. I made new friends, danced, celebrated, and spent quality time with people I love

8. I focused on serving others and diving deeper into my spiritual practice

9. I was honest with myself

10. I let myself be human

My challenge to you is...

1. Identify the areas of your life where you tend to allow a little compromise and undermining to slip by.

2. Notice how you would feel and what your life would look like if instead, you honored yourself and your values in those moments.

3. Take this month of June to create your own mental health (awareness) month

4. Enjoy this one and only life 😍

Reflection Question: Where in my life have I been compromising and why?