Uncertainty Has Its Perks

A handful of my clients are experiencing some sort of transition period or new phase of life right now. Each of them is in a different stage of their life and career, yet they're experiencing the same set of emotions: uncertainty and simultaneous anticipation in various forms. As we grow in our lives, we encounter new experiences, new jobs, people, depths of emotions, habits, goals, desires, and needs. 

Often when we face uncertainty, we meet it with resistance, anxiety, stress, or worry. Fluctuating emotions are rampant when we're in any sort of transition period. But, imagine what we could experience if we met uncertainty with excitement, the same way we do when our favorite artist releases a new album and we’re uncertain of what the songs will sound like and whether or not we'll enjoy or connect with the body of art. The anticipation for what's to come is what creates momentary happiness or excitement, but standing in the threshold of the unknown is the same in all scenarios. The emotions are the only difference. We cannot experience anything new without some form of uncertainty.

When we encounter new things in our lives and we tend to focus on fear, what if we focused on the fact that this experience, just like every other new one we've had is simply an adventure and an opportunity to learn, grow, and enjoy the present moment.

The only difference between the uncertainty in a new life experience and the uncertainty in a new album is the story we tell ourselves of what could happen and how we might respond to a wide range of possibilities that we envision in our minds.

As Tony Robbins says, "life is happening for you, not to you." Tell a new story about uncertainty, what you're experiencing might be a perfect opportunity for growth, learning, or building resilience.

Reflection Questions: What story am I telling myself about the uncertainty I'm experiencing right now? How might this uncertainty and resistance be happening for me?

Click here to learn more about how to manage stress and anxiety in the midst of uncertainty.

Wishin' and Hopin' and Thinkin' and Prayin'

How often do we hear a cliché phrase and roll our eyes, thinking "yeah yeah, I know"?

A few weeks ago, I had a conversation with two of my best friends from high school where we briefly reminisced about "the good ol' days". We chuckled at how simple life truly was at the time, despite how complicated we made it seem in our teenage minds. I told them that when I have kids, I'm going to make sure they know to "enjoy every age and every stage of life" and not to wish they were anywhere else but where they are now...The words “enjoy the journey” and “be here now” flashed in my mind and before I could even roll my eyes…

It hit me.

Although this is a concept I teach my clients - so, intellectually, I know this VERY well - I realized that there are still a few areas of my life where I tend to focus mainly on the next achievement and goal, and forget to appreciate where I’m at in the present moment. 😳Perhaps clichés are cliché for a reason.

In our early teens, we couldn't wait to be older because "then we can drive, make our own rules, won't have homework, etc" and even in our late 20s, we find ourselves wishing we were younger, because "if I knew then what I know now, I'd be so much more *fill in the blank* (successful, wise, healthy, willing to accept help, happy, etc)". At every stage of life, we tend to look ahead or look back and wish we were elsewhere. 14-year-olds wish they were 16 so they could drive, 70-year-olds wish they were "young" again, 24-year-olds wish they were established in their careers, 47-year-olds wish they could retire or go back to a previous stage, and the wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin' continues. Why do we look back and ahead, with awe and fondness, and forget to look at where we are right now with the same lens of admiration?

We love setting and achieving goals, but it's never the goal that makes us feel proud, it's who we have to become (in order to achieve the goal) that we're truly proud of. We love recounting old memories, but it's never the memory that makes us feel happy, it's the meaning and emotions we've associated with the memory that makes us feel happy. Appreciating and experiencing the present allows us to experience more freedom in our thoughts, emotions, and actions. We aren't restricted by the past nor deterred by the uncertainty of the future, we can just be.

"Enjoy the journey", "Be here now", "Be present", "Love the process", etc... Perhaps clichés are cliché for a reason.

By the end of our conversation, we made a pact to enjoy each (st)age of our lives and to remind each other of that when needed.

Reflection Question: What area of my life do I tend to wish was in a different stage than where I'm currently at? Does that cause me any stress? If so, how might my emotions, thoughts, and actions be different when I begin to appreciate where I'm currently at in my journey?

We Can't Give What We Don't Have.

When was the last time we sat down with someone who disagreed with us and just listened? ...Didn't try to convince them that they were wrong, but simply tried to understand.

I began writing a blog post to encourage the reader to generate compassion in their own heart, in hopes that it would be poured out in their communities… then I realized what state I was in. My fingers were passionately hammering the keyboard, my eyes narrowed, and my breath became shallow... I was writing out of anger, due to a news headline I had just seen. The words I had heard Loren Lahav repeat all weekend played in my mind, "we can't give what we don't have". So, I took a deep breath and shifted my focus to the initial prompt.

My family comes from a war-torn country, most of them fled during a massive Civil War that wreaked havoc across the beautiful land once known as “the Paris of the Middle East.” Although I don’t have any idea what it’s like to live in a place like that during a civil war, I do know what it's like when two parts of one whole are continuously diverging deeper and further. The past year has sometimes felt like a civil war of hearts and minds in the USA. As I type this, my eyes roll because I realize how silly that might sound but, at the same time, I realize how deeply divisive our words and actions have been over the last 12 months. 

All over (social) media, I see people spewing hate in the name of tolerance, love, liberty, God, and togetherness. I see a lot of “if you’re ___, then you’re ___”, a lot of “us” vs “them”, “I’m right, you’re wrong”, “canceling", name-calling, labeling, a lack of empathy and abundance of shame. Shaming someone is telling them their experience or belief is bogus and it implies they are 'less than’. When we are solely seeking to be understood, we neglect the need to understand. When we’re yelling, we don’t listen. And when we’re certain that we’re right and all who disagree should be damned, we aren’t open to learning or connecting, and definitely not open to being wrong. When we are fearful, these emotions and behaviors are amplified.

"Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that." - MLK Jr.

Practicing empathy is being able to understand and respect someone’s experience or belief without having to live it. When we lead with compassion and empathy, we are more likely to listen. When we listen, we can better understand. When we understand, we can connect, unite, progress, and grow.

We were not created to all look, act, think, and feel the same. We were each created with an incredible uniqueness. That’s what makes the world and people so astonishingly beautiful - diversity. 

Imagine if you ate 1 food for the rest of your life, nothing else. Let's pretend you love Honeycrisp apples… Breakfast: Honeycrisp apple. Snack: Honeycrisp apple. Lunch: Honeycrisp apple. Appetizer: Honeycrisp apple. Dinner: Honeycrisp apple. Dessert: you guessed it, Honeycrisp apple. Every. single. day. Even if you love them, that would get really old, really quick. Too much of the same of anything gets really old, really quickly.

The other day someone told me, "the truest form of diversity, is the diversity of opinions." (Side note, we had just finished discussing our contrasting viewpoints on formal higher education) I had to sit with that for a second. How diverse are we really if we all have the same opinions?

We are all human, we will make mistakes, we will fall, and with the help of those who are willing, we will get back up. Let’s be the generations that come together despite our disagreements to show the rest of the world how to truly love. Let’s be the generations that show the rest that our differences are what make us beautiful. Let’s be that friend, coworker, content creator, family member, person behind a computer, who says “Help me understand where you’re coming from. I’m curious to know what it’s like from your perspective.”

Raise your hand if you could use some more love, compassion, and understanding in your life... Me too! These principles can be applied whether at home, at work, in the parking lot, on the internet or on the playground. If we put this into practice, I imagine we’d have a lot less despair and anxiety, and a lot more joy and peace. And who knows, we just might learn something new...!!!

We can't give what we don't have. So first, generate compassion for yourself, then, pour it out in every interaction you have.

Reflection Question: If I show more compassion toward myself, how will that affect the way I interact with others?

Make 2021 The Best Year Yet!

Every new year we get excited to begin again, to start anew... new year, new me, right? We anticipate the new year being one that will bring us happiness, success, and all the things we wish for. We expect the new year to solve our problems. We set big goals, resolutions, and we're certain "this will be the year" when things change. And never has this been more apparent than the transition from 2020 to 2021.

We all know 2020 was an extremely...different...year to say the least. Life became more challenging than usual for many people and it provided several opportunities for personal growth and evolution, and improvement of personal health - mental, emotional, physical, financial, and spiritual as well. Last year there was a lot of hurt, deception, hate, and confusion. But there was also a great deal of joy, truth, love, and clarity. I heard countless people saying things like "this year sucks", "2020 is a disaster", "what else could go wrong?", "I can't wait 'til next year when this is over", etc. And although there were many struggles, circumstances that were highly unfavorable, events and plans that went sideways, I find it quite disconsolate to label an entire 365 days as a collective "nightmare", "disaster", or some form of "horrible". There were some hours, days, and weeks that felt like a total nightmare, but even so, there was much more to 2020. It's important to recognize both the beauty and the beast that inhabited the year.

Often times when we experience challenges or adversity of some kind, we write it off as something detrimental that happened to us and we tend to forget the power we have to overcome those sorts of situations and to create something beautiful from the rubble and struggle. My heart breaks a little when I hear people talk about how they hope "the government", "the new year", "the scientists", or whoever will finally make it possible for them to be happy. The reason is that what I'm really hearing is people outsourcing their hope, joy, and wellbeing. When in reality, all of those things are an inside job. We often do need the help of experts, lawmakers, friends, mentors, communities, etc. to enhance our ability to create and experience the aforementioned (that's why I do what I do!!), but it’s disempowering to rely on other people to create our lives for us.

When the new year rolls around, we expect it to dissolve our problems. But what would happen if we looked at every month, week, day, or hour as a chance to start anew? What would happen if we solved our own problems, if we created unity and peace, if we allowed for true diversity of people and ideas... What if we had the power to change our own lives and help others?! The good news is, we do and we always have (especially in the United States).

So, friends, make your life your own. It is what you make it. No matter the circumstances, know that you can!

You have the power to change your story, change your life, and positively impact the lives of others.

In 2020, I chose to focus on my spheres of influence, improving my wellbeing, enhancing my work ethic, and doing a lot of work on myself and I intend to continue in 2021. If you desire to grow, learn, and create a joyful and impactful life, you'll know it is a sometimes painful, always rewarding, never-ending process.

My sincere hope and wish for you this year is that you realize how powerful and resilient you truly are and that you utilize the tools available to make this year what you want it to be.

———

Reflection Question: On December 31, 2021, what do you want to think, feel, and say about the year 2021? When you look back on the previous 365 days, what do you want to be grateful for, want to acknowledge yourself for, and want to be proud of?

The Myth about Self-Care.

When we think of self-care, we may think of that Instagram photo of a bubble filled bathtub with a candle and book present, sitting on the couch with a glass of wine in hand, or going to a salon to get our nails done or a massage, some form of rest. Self-care often comes with the context of being under stress and doing things to calm the mind or body to relieve stress. These are all valid forms of “self-care”, but I’d like to offer a different perspective.

When you look up the definition of “self-care”, you’ll find that it is defined in many ways. The prominent commonality between all of the varying definitions is “improving or preserving our health”. In today’s society, we often react to our unwanted circumstances instead of being proactive to prevent those unwanted occurrences. For example, we get burned out, anxiety heightens, and feel like we need a break from everything…then, we decide to engage in “self-care”. Instead, if we incorporated self-care into our daily or weekly lives, we could avoid hitting the wall and burning out. The “self-care” I’m talking about is less of a reactive, rarely occurring event and much more of a proactive, incremental approach to lifestyle formation.

When you fill-up your cup in one area of your life, it spills over into the others to create more fulfillment and joy. Ie, when I play sports, eat healthy foods, listen to educational podcasts, connect with loved ones, quiet my mind, and connect with God, I am much more free, clear-headed, productive in my work, and aligned with my purpose…And the best part is, all of this can be done daily or weekly, allowing me to consistently fill up so that I’m not crawling through life on ‘empty’ every weekend.

There are many ways to figure out how to incorporate self-care if you don’t know where to start, ask yourself the following questions:

• What did I love doing as a child or teen?

• What brings me the most joy?

• When was the last time I was in nature?

• Am I eating foods that nourish my body?

• What am I watching on TV and what am I listening to daily? Is it feeding my mind and my soul?

• When was the last time I put all electronics away and remained present with the people around me (for more than 1 hour)?

• What are some ways I can rest: mentally, emotionally, physically, creatively, sensorily?

• How can I engage in creative expression?

• Where do I release my energy, thoughts, and emotions? In the gym, onto paper in a journal, with a therapist or coach, in nature, while singing, etc.?

• How can I be free, play, or wander without (time) restrictions?

• Am I getting exercise and recovering from it properly?

• Can I meditate, visualize, and/or intentionally breathe more often?

• Am I learning about myself and partaking in self-reflection?

• How is my spiritual life?

• How can I enhance my quality of sleep?

• What am I doing to improve my health- mentally, emotionally, and physically?

• What is my internal dialogue like on a daily basis? What needs to change?

You may find that these questions spark ideas on how to take care of your mind, body, and spirit in small, simple practices that make a big difference. Self-care is health care, and that is the foundation of your quality of life. Be proactive, you have the power to make it better every day.

4 Lessons From the USWNT in the World Cup

On July 7, 2019 the United States Women’s National Team (USWNT) won the 2019 Fifa Women’s World Cup marking a pivotal event in history. Before 2019, the USWNT won 3 world cups in 1991, 1999, and 2015 and every World Cup tournament they didn’t win, they played in the semi-finals or beyond. Having grown up as an athlete, I played multiple sports but, for some reason, soccer was never one I was interested in. I watched a couple of games during the 2015 World Cup to cheer on the USA, but certainly didn’t have any interest in scheduling my day around the televised games… Not until this year, when I heard that the USA won 13-0 in their first match against Thailand - I knew I had better make the time to watch this team as they were on the brink of something incredible.

Game after game the USWNT shut out their opponents, and only after the final whistles blew, did I notice the players’ showing physical exhaustion. It was in that moment that I realized this team had a lot more to teach me than just how exciting a soccer match can be.

1. Overnight success does not exist. These players have been playing the game they love since childhood. With many of the athletes being in their 30s, that is a substantial amount of life to devote to their craft. Many USA and FIFA fans around the world watched and celebrated the USWNT’s win. What they didn’t watch were the hours of training, rehabbing, recovering, planning, strategizing, traveling, and practice - each player, coach, and staff member put in years before joining the team and journeying to victory. In order for each of the athletes, coaches, and staff to achieve the remarkable feat, they had to make several sacrifices and work incredibly hard. Just think about the basics of the game- running back and forth across a 100+ yard long and 50+ yard-wide-field (for 90 minutes straight, only one 15 min break in the middle), having to sprint and jog repeatedly, having to be agile and aggressive, to pass, defend, steal, and shoot a ball only with their feet… and it’s not enough to simply do the aforementioned, but they had to consistently be the best at each of those tasks.

   What was done in private was ultimately celebrated in public. What the world saw would not have been possible without the consistent grind behind the scenes.

2. Don’t just play for a reward, play for something greater. While watching interviews and reading articles about the USWNT and NWSL, I came to know a bit more about the professional soccer league and the women who play in it. To see and hear about the minimum and maximum salaries paid to athletes in the NWSL (as compared to other sports - male and female) was shocking at first and then inspiring. It was inspiring because it’s abundantly clear that these women do not play to earn millions, for the fame, or the accolades but for the love of the sport, to change its trajectory, and to inspire the next generations. Money, awards, and recognition will come and go and will only bring temporary happiness. Working hard everyday to do what you love, making an impact, and leaving a legacy are much more fulfilling and long-lasting. Having a mission and a reason for your work will motivate and drive you far beyond the drive for money or fame.

3. Adversity is inevitable. After hearing and reading about some of the players’ stories, I came to learn that most, if not all of the women have faced great adversity in their soccer careers. From injuries to being cut from the team to personal tragedies, this group had to overcome substantial obstacles in order to pursue and enjoy their triumph. Adversity is inevitable and it can either crush you or strengthen you.

   You can decide what to believe, do, and think when hardship is thrust upon you. To be able to push through adversity, seek growth, and overcome odds is what truly makes a champion.

4. Soccer players are tough. I remember a conversation I had with a soccer player friend in high school who said, “soccer players are way tougher than any other athletes…” I was slightly offended because I believed that my basketball team was just as tough, if not more... After watching the World Cup, I finally understood what she meant. They are tough and vulnerable, rugged, strong, limber, resilient, daring and different…

It’s been over a month since the USWNT won the World Cup and much of the hype has subsided, but these lessons are applicable for anyone who has a goal or dream ahead of them. Practice, practice, practice, vision and reason, patience, teamwork, fulfillment, determination, sacrifice, and challenge are all necessary to accomplish any great feat.

Are you willing to do what it takes?

Do You Wish Life was Easier?

A great entrepreneur, author, and speaker named Jim Rohn once said, “Never wish life were easier, wish that you were better”. We habitually wish our circumstances were different and we blame our current state on the world around us instead of looking inward to see how our current state has come to be because of the world inside of us. In wishing that we were better, we can propel ourselves to improve different facets of our lives.

On the other hand, sometimes we do encounter terrible events/circumstances that we have no control over and it can bring us down. There’s no such thing as a perfect week, month, year, life, etc., in fact, we wouldn’t be human if we didn’t experience some turmoil and obstacles in our lives. However, we have the intrinsic ability to not let those shitty and undesirable hours bring down our whole day, month, or even a whole year. We have the capacity to choose to learn and grow and to do our best to get better.

By taking responsibility for our actions and thoughts, we become more self-aware and recognize what we can improve or enhance. It’s not only a matter of wishing, it is more so a matter of doing. If everything was easy, we’d be bored beyond belief. We’d have no challenges, no pride in ourselves, and much less joy. Perhaps instead of wishing we were better, it would behoove us to do and become better.

Questions for reflection: What’s one thing in your life that you’ve been wishing was easier? How, specifically, can you apply this principle of becoming better instead of wishing that one thing was easier?